The doubt creeps…

I know I’m getting strongly attached again when I care about their wellbeing with so much intensity it hurts. It does not matter whether this draw to attach is healthy or not. I can recognize this state of being is not always the best mental or emotional state for me to get stuck in….

When I burn with the deep rooted desire to be there to comfort and care for someone by whatever means necessary; warning bells sounds. My gut instinct is to pull away, instead of commit harder. I don’t like the discomfort; I don’t want to experience the pain and heartbreak of possible rejection.

But this is who I am, it’s my authenticity. I care deeply, I love hard, there is no halfway between. I don’t feel everything in absolutes - in terms of nothing or “all in” … but when it comes to the important people in my life; when it comes to loving someone in any capacity, family, friends or romantically — I don’t know how to give any less, I don’t know how to devote anything other than my whole heart.

I have been designed to serve. I know it in my soul and down to my core. I am called to provide unconditional love and care for others. It can be a blessing and a curse to see the potential in the ones your care about and want nothing more than to show them that vision - to encourage them to accept and welcome support - just for them to reject that help, to reject the love and passion I have to see them thrive; to see them happy and filled with genuine joy.

And despite the fear, the pain, the risk of rejection and failure; still I give and give, still I pour any excess I can give from my cup when it’s been sustained. I won’t ever be able to change. The hurt, the fear, the rejections … they’ll keep coming. But I cannot stop, I’m addicted to even the negative noise that rears its head from time to time.

Until that time when the right person is put into my life to provide me my own peace in chaos, the one who understands my heart and won’t scoff at it but will care for it and support it while also providing the reminder to hold boundaries. Someone who will remind me that even if someone wants help, it is not my job to be the sole provider and I cannot “save them all.” Until I have my own safe space, and arms to wrap up in on the hard days, someone who feels like home. Until it is my turn to receive genuine love and care in return - I will continue to give what I can.

Until then….