If my Heart could speak…

I want to be able to fully convey how I honestly feel. But I am not convinced even I fully know what emotions it is that I am experiencing and there is a genuine fear of rejection that is paralyzing from the trauma left by attempts as such in the past.

I am recognizing I don’t think I ever stopped having feelings, the extent to which are they truly romantic or because of who I am and how I am with the important people in my life is what remains unclear.

I believe I accepted and moved on with the understanding that anything beyond a friendship was not a reality, and that was OKAY. I believe that for me, it was more important to maintain a healthy friendship than to not have any kind of relationship at all.

However, I do believe over time anything I have “felt” has evolved from an infatuation to a genuine desire of a deeply rooted friendship, and the respect of being seen while also being able to see someone as they are, and who they are at their core. There is no need to mask, there is no need to play a role.

There is something so sacred about authenticity and the ease in which the level of comfort can grow between two individuals.

Most of all, I am frozen from the fact that I don’t want to admit the most intimate realization of all.. I love this person. Am I “in-love” with them romantically? My honest gut-reaction is, “I don’t know.” What I do know is that I love them in the true depth of the term, not just frivolously because it “feels” good.

I love who they are and how true to themselves they remain - unwavering .

I love that they bring me a sense of peace I have not been able to experience or appreciate before.

I love that they care enough to notice and comment on the little things in passing.

I love that when I spend any kind of time with them I feel appreciated - I am happy, I don’t stop smiling.

I love watching them continue to grow and evolve into who they are designed to be - into their individual calling.

I love watching them love others.