Darkness is Not New to Me.

I'm used to it....

[At least that is what I tell myself]

I’m used to being the go-to for everyone else.

I’m used to being the reliable steady constant for everyone else.

I’m used to being let down time and time again when I think I’ve finally found who I can trust, who I can rely on.

Am I not making my needs clear enough?

Am I asking for the wrong thing?

Or worse, am I asking for too much?

I just want to know when it will be my turn to have someone in my corner no matter what, and anytime I need them.

I want to know when it will be my turn to experience a friendship, or a love that is tangible, and unconditional.

I want to know when it will be my turn to reach out when I am hurting, when I feel in crisis, or when I need help, and then actually receive it in real time.

I want to know what it is like for someone to actually desire to offer and provide comfort because they want to, because they genuinely care about ME.

It’s always hard to feel like an option and never a priority for anyone else.

It’s hard feeling like you’re broken mentally, emotionally, and physically rendering you “not good enough,” or “too messed up.”

It’s hard to long for, to wait for, and to wish for, getting back even an ounce of what you give of yourself to everyone else all the time.

I don’t regret being who I am .. I really do embrace it deep into my core.

I don’t regret giving whatever I can of myself, of my time, of my resources to those I love and care about.

What I regret is not being able to recognize, or clearly establish the boundaries that need to come along with such a personality.

What I regret is not knowing how to access the best tools to help me cope so I don’t burn out or wear a hole in my heart that a Band-Aid would never be capable of holding together or fixing.

I’ve had to learn and train myself how to try to recover or bounce back to “normal” quickly.

I’ve never really had any other option.

I’ve never had a safety net, when I’m in the thick of it.

I’ve always just had to pull myself out of the dark pit on my own.

I’ll pay for it eventually, somehow…  insomnia, or nightmares, or the high levels of cortisol that will inevitably sit and wreak havoc my body.

In the end I always feel left behind, and left to do this life alone - - no matter what I do or how much effort I give.